10. Real Joy as We Navigate Christmas

Hi, I'm Kate Morris.

And I'm Dave Whittingham. Today we're talking about Christmas. It's the time Songs Tells is the most wonderful time of the year.But for many people, it's overwhelming, unpredictable, loud, busy and bright. How do you work together as families? G', day, Kate. Merry Christmas. Almost. We're almost there. It's great to be talking again.Tell me, Kate, what are some Christmas traditions that you have?

Oh, yeah. Hi, Dave. Christmas traditions? Yes. Well, we have a few. And our family, we've sort of.We started our family in Australia and then we lived a lot of our life in France, so we've kind of got this mix of Aussie traditions and French traditions.But one thing I look forward to is the Buche de Noel, which is a chocolate cake that kind of rolls up with cream inside it and chocolate icing, and we all love it.

Oh.

How about you, Dave?

Ever since I was a kid, we've had Darrelli chocolate nougat Christmas puddings, and Darrillie doesn't even exist anymore, but someone bought this product and they're still making it. And so I buy them every year. One for my kids and one for Janice, although Janice hates them and she gets irritated every year that I buy one for her.So this year, for the first time, I haven't bought one for her.

Oh, is that out of kindness?

No, they're just too expensive now because usually when she said, no, thanks, I don't want it, we'd just cut it in. I'd cut it in half with my oldest son and we'd share it.

So that's like the ultimate greedy gift to give so that you end up with it yourself.

No, no, I was just trying to care for her.

Yeah. Yeah. I feel like this is one of the things Christmas that actually we'll be talking about today, that we all just kind of.We all experience things differently. But, you know, most of us will actually want Christmas to be a time of nice, yummy things, Dave, for Janice.But, I mean, this is what families will be constantly juggling. We've all got our kind of Christmas hopes and dreams, the things that we want to see or taste or do at Christmas.So what do we do as families when the thing that I want clashes with the thing that my kids want, or the things that they want clash with the things that others in the family want. So how do we juggle all that?How do we work out what to do, you know, how do we help Janice communicate about these awful Christmas puddings that you keep Giving.

The problem there wasn't the communicator. The problem was the listener. But it is. It is funny, isn't it? Because we all come with expectations. I mean, you see this when you get married.You know, it's the weirdness of, hey, my family had our traditions and your family had your traditions. And so you've got kind of got to make your own traditions. But then you still have this yearning, I guess, for what you had before.And then these new little people come in and sometimes they want something completely different. And, I mean, it's a fantastic opportunity to love one another. We need to acknowledge that the problem is actually there.

Yeah, yeah, I think that's right. And being open and being able to talk about that in families is so important.But as Christians, we've got also this understanding that Christmas is so much bigger than just fun and enjoyment. Like, Christmas is about something so much more, isn't it?

Absolutely. Or even it's about the fun and enjoyment, but only in the right thing. So this. I've got a Bible passage here from Luke, chapter two.And it's when the angels come to the shepherds and they say, do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people. Okay, so we've got our idea of joy there.It says, today in the town of David, a savior has been born to you. He is the Messiah, the Lord. And I think part of the problem with Christmas is people look for joy in all sorts of things.In the Christmas lights, in the Christmas tree, in the food, in the. You know, all these things can be fun, but they can also be a huge stress. And a lot of people are stressed at Christmas. A lot of people are worried.And that verse actually tells us, or it acknowledges that there's lots of pain and worry because we need a savior. If we didn't need a savior, everything would be fine. And so the joy is not a pretend joy of let's pretend everything's fine for December.It's a joy of, no, things are really hard, but there is a Saviour who's come.And so making sure that our Christmas focus keeps the main thing, the main thing, finding the joy in Jesus, the Saviour, and even letting the other things remind us of how good Jesus is.

Yeah, that's right, isn't it? And it frees us up to be able to let things go.So if Christmas is actually about Jesus, then your chocolate puddings are important for your history, but it's not the be all and end all.

And so I feel like, because I said that before, I can't deny it, but I'm wanting to.

I think, though, I mean, this is the balance, isn't it?Because we all do have things that we will want to see or do at Christmas, and it is that time of delighting in this kind of almost measurable moment that we keep repeating each year. So when I put up the decorations that I've had for years and years, I'm remembering that I did this when I had little babies.I'm remembering that I had these when I was first married, whatever it might be. And those are actually genuinely beautiful. But they're all not more important than helping my children remember Jesus at Christmas time.The Savior who you mentioned.

It's really important that as we come to Christmas, we're really intentional about what we do.So, yes, we have traditions, and sometimes they're really good traditions and we can draw on them, but we need to be asking, okay, what are we trying to achieve this year with this family in this time period? And let those goals drive what we're trying to do. So with a really young family, often we're trying to build traditions.And so you do try things out more as your kids get older. Maybe they just want to do what they did when they were five, even though they're 15 now. Who knows?But if you know what you're trying to achieve, then that will help to make the decisions of what's important and what's not.

Yeah, I think that's right. Yeah. That intentionality is so important, isn't it?Well, why don't we talk about some really practical things that can be helpful for families to think through? I think a good place to start might be visual schedules.So I think when holidays come around for a lot of people, they love chucking out schedules, throwing them out, I should say, for our international. I think that's an Aussie ism, isn't it? Chucking out?

I don't know. I'm too Aussie to know.

Well, people can write in and let us know if they say chucking out. Yeah, but schedules are so helpful for children and for adults actually, as well. It can map out your days that are to come.Everyone knows these days are going to be all sorts of chaos. You'll have events with your church, you'll have events with family, you'll have events with neighbours. There might be community events.We'll be heading to carols and gingerbread making things. Our church is doing some extra things. We have a Christmas Eve thing, family things. I Mean the list goes on and on.And sometimes these events are at night or in the afternoon or in the morning. Sometimes we'll go away for these events and be away for a night or two.And so it can help to have a schedule of all of these things that are to come. Nothing's a secret, nothing's going to surprise them. You're not going to suddenly go away because it's there.But then also a visual schedule of the days and this might be a schedule that you pull out in the morning or the night before that maps out.Breakfast is going to be at home, lunch is going to be at home, we're going to do Lego, we're going to do craft, we're going to relax in the morning and then it's the afternoon that we go and see family and we'll leave at this time, we'll arrive at this time and you can map out some of those things.

It's really helpful because we've talked a couple of times in the season about control and the importance of control. And routine gives control. And so when you throw out that routine, suddenly all that control is gone.But when you're doing what you're describing, you're giving that control back to the child to say, yes, I know about this, I know about this, I know what I need to be prepared for and when I can have a rest.

Yes, that's right. And on those lines there might be bits that you can put in that gives them choices as well. We've got this whole morning at home.What are we going to do?Will you do Lego or craft or, you know, build in these different options so that there are times where they can choose, but there'll be times where they can't choose. They don't want to go to, I don't know, such and such's house, but we're going to do that and we're going to do it as a family.This isn't something that you can choose when we leave, how long we're there, or the fact that we're going, but that's okay, that's on there and around that. We've got other things and it also allows us to build in some of those things that feel familiar.So even though we're doing these one off events, teeth will still be brushed in the morning, breakfast will still be had. The end of the day, no matter where we are in the world, we can end the day with hopping into bed, having a story, having a prayer, going to sleep.That same routine can happen. It might not be at the same time each night for some of these things, but that pattern can still happen.The pattern of when you wake up in the morning can still happen.And some of these things, all these floaty, chaotic, strange new things that are happening, can be grounded in these things that kind of root them in a normal routine, a normal sense of what's happening.A neurodivergent teenager talked to me about schedules and holiday times, and she said to me, without a plan, I feel a sense of uncertainty, like anything could happen at any time. A plan gives me time to gather strength for the more tiring things and to look ahead.To know that there's untouchable recovery time planned after those things. Isn't that great?These moments ahead where that's a massive day or two days, or it's a huge event that's going to go for three hours beforehand, I've got this time to prepare. Afterwards, I've got this time to recover.It gives them that agency of kind of, I'm going to be able to manage my energy even through these hard things.

Yeah, it's so good. It gives them that strength and that ability to do that.I think one of the weird things about Christmas is, well, people really, it's worth remembering, like, with all these things that you're planning and you're setting in place and, you know, establishing what you want to establish.When you do get together with family, they're going to be a year older than they were last year, and so everyone's going to be just that little bit different, whether that be your children or you or your wider family. If you're going to see the grandparents, if you're going to see the cousins. We had cousins. Sorry, My kids had cousins.My kids still have cousins who they only saw sort of once a year because they lived so far away. And each year it was like rediscovering who they were.And so just being open and willing to talk about that as a thing, you know, we, you know, things are going to be slightly different. What's it going to look like now that you're 12 instead of 11 and all those things have changed.

That's really helpful. Yeah. So not just having that visual schedule on the wall of what's to come, but actually sitting down and talking through those things.That's so helpful and so important. And as you do that, you can get out photos of what it was like last year and talk through things. Oh, that's right. This was a hard thing for you.But do you remember, you loved that and chatting through those. A mother of two autistic children tells. She said, we talk about what will happen on the day and look at photos of previous years.I think they like mentally preparing and knowing what it will be like. I think this mother has a great way of doing it. That sounds really helpful. And as you say, things will change, but it's a good way to prepare.

Absolutely. It gives a framework for what's going ahead.

A big aspect of a lot of these new things that they'll be doing, or, you know, one off things that they'll be doing is the sensory world. And we've done a whole episode of Sensory Things, episode three. So it's worth going back and having a think about that if you like.But thinking through the sensory world that they're stepping into, when they go to, maybe the church will have some decorations up, or perhaps they'll go to their neighbor's house and they've got decorations up. And certainly a lot of houses of Christian people will have decorations up as well.And so understanding how this will affect them is really important. When I grew up, we used to put up Christmas decorations all in a day. And I loved that so much. It was the best day in our house here.Now what we do is we actually put up decorations over time, because putting them all up at once, that's a lot to process. As much as I enjoyed that as a kid, that's not what's enjoyable for my family now. And there are joys in this as well, getting out different things.Oh, do you remember this? Let's put this one up. And where should we pop that?And as we set up our homes to be Christmassy, we need to remember as well that we want to be making sure the home is a place that's still enjoyable. So we're putting up more clutter.There are more things to process, more things to maybe even feel stressful if they're things that are bright or loud or colorful or sparkly. And so we need to remember this pattern that we keep talking about throughout this whole season we've talked about.We want to be eliminating triggers. So maybe there are some decorations that even might have worked last year that won't work this year. We can eliminate those.Or perhaps it's things like cooking, working out. Are there things I don't need to cook because those smells are going to be too strong? We want to be mitigating triggers as well.So maybe we need to say, look, I do need to actually cook these spiced biscuits. And I know that smell is Difficult for you. So what can we do about it? Can you sit in your room and have a fan blowing on your face?This works in Australia because here it's summer. It's quite nice to have a fan on your face. But perhaps a candle, a lit scented candle near you while I need to cook these.And then also thinking about how you can regulate through it. So I'm gonna be cooking these things that are really spicy and smelly. How about just before that we go for a walk together?And how about afterwards, you know, we make sure that we have a way for you to calm down. We can go outside and have a swing or something like that.

Yeah. And there's a lot of that in the home.But also we've got to acknowledge that often we're going outside the home and when we're going to say family, other families, or, sorry, other wider members of the family, it's really worth having the conversations beforehand to try and recruit them into that. Understanding that my child is going to have this fiddle toy with them during this, because that just helps for these reasons.But also my child, there are going to be times in the day where they're going to disappear into a quiet room and read a book or look at a screen or play with a toy or whatever it is. And helping our family understand that that's really necessary and really important.And I know that can be really difficult sometimes that's more difficult than talking it through with our kids. But it's worth doing for the sake of our kids and. Yeah, recruiting our wider family to the cause, I guess.

Yeah, it's. It's completely worth it, isn't it? And as our kids see us recruit, recruiting them to the cause, as you say, they see us, they see that they matter.They see that we're willing to make sure that they're able to exist as who they are. They're going to find crowds overwhelming. There'll be crowds. That's okay.We're going to work out where they can have a little pause and a little break. I think that's a really important aspect. Yeah.

And if you want to rethink this and say, okay, how do I get prepared? You can go back to episode eight of this season, and that's where we talk about sensory kits and sensory tools. And that might just re.Spark that memory to say, okay, what do we need to do to get prepared for leaving the house and going into different environments?And also it may be helpful in talking to your family, either by giving you the language to then go to your family and say, look, these are the reasons why my kids really need this. Or they might be up for listening to that episode and say, hey, we wanna, we really want you to think about this.And so would you mind listening to this episode?

I think that's right.And actually that process of setting up that sensory kit is a way to have them feel that sense of preparing themselves and giving themselves agency and that ability to say, I can do this and I've got what I need to be able to get through it. There are things that will remain in my control, ways I can regulate in this little bag that I'll carry with me.Maybe they can even be Christmas themed things as well.And all of this is just such beautiful ways to be reflecting that, that love of Jesus at Christmas time, which is, you know, what we want to be doing. We don't want to be reflecting what the world says Christmas is. We want to be reflecting that love of God for his people.And as we adapt, we are doing that. We're working that out, we're working together. We can enjoy that process together too.I think one of the big stresses for a lot of neurodivergent people I've spoken to is food at Christmas time. There are so many different types of food around at Christmas and a lot of different foods also come with history and importance.Eat your grandmother's mince pies. She's been making them for weeks. She used to make them when I was little. She used to make them when she was little.You must try Uncle Such and such's pork because, you know, he makes this crackling every year. And it's amazing. Someone has soaked the fruits for the pudding for weeks. All of these things.It's not just the matter of, oh, no, I don't actually fancy that. Often it's the matter of, will you accept my traditions, my history, the work I've put into this?And so it's complicated because when we remember what we've spoken about in other episodes about this anxiety loop, where when a person is anxious, when a neurodivergent person's anxious, often their sensitivities are higher.And when their sensitivities are higher, they're going to be triggered by more things which will increase anxiety, which means their sensitivities are high. I mean, it goes on and on.And so you've got these kids and adults too, who will be facing this table full of beautifully prepared food with a tummy like a rock, and probably all they want is a peanut butter sandwich or nothing. At all.

Yeah. This is so important for loving our kids, isn't it? I mean, food particularly can be such a sensory explosion.You know, with the sight, with the smell, with the taste, with the touch. It all. All those aspects are there. And that's one of the things that makes food so good.But it also is one of the things that can make it really stressful. And again, I think we need to come back to be asking that question. What are we trying to achieve here?What do we want our kids to take away from this event? Is this the event to sort of push them that extra level, to try that food that they're unfamiliar with?Well, if they've got all these other stresses that they're dealing with, who cares if they have a peanut butter sandwich? Because we want to help them to feel something of the joy of Christmas? It doesn't have to be in this particular way or that particular way.And that is really difficult, especially when we're dealing with wider family who don't understand that.And so, in a sense, sometimes we have to stand as guards for our children, to allow them to be safe and to feel safe and to feel like they can make choices about food and to not feel that pressure. That can be really hard for us, but it's going to be harder for them. And that's the parenting gig, right?

That's exactly right. I agree. It can be hard. Let's all do this together, parents, because there will be tricky times. Yeah.

Yeah.

In this.Scripting can be really helpful, too, because it's not uncommon for neurodivergent kids, particularly when they're anxious to say what's on their mind. And a lot of these unfamiliar foods, their gut reaction is yuck. And so, you know, in their beautiful honesty, they'll say, yuck.But, you know, Uncle Jim, who's slaved over this pork for hours, he doesn't want to hear, yuck. This is not yuck. It's beautiful.And so scripting is a way to give our kids things that they can reach for, to say that they've practiced over and over again so that when they're in that heightened anxious time, they're not also trying to balance what's a helpful kind way of responding well and still being honest. And so it might be scripting things like, wow, this looks like it's taken a lot of time to prepare something like that.You don't need to say, wow, this smells amazing, because it probably won't. You don't need to say it looks beautiful, because it probably doesn't this has taken a lot of time to prepare or even, wow, look at those.They're so Christmassy. Did you eat these as a child? Something like that. And so they can still be honest. They're reaching for something.They're engaging with the food, which actually the heart of what, you know, people want is to engage around this tradition and to share that tasting. You know, holding, experiencing that texture is certainly part of that.But if that's not accessible for our kids, helping them still access some of that history and enjoyment that the person actually wants to share. But as you say, standing guard and working out, you know, helping them to listen to their bodies where they need to.My anxiety is so high that I can't actually serve people around me by tasting this. I won't actually get pleasure from this. Sometimes I feel like my kids are missing out in moments like this.These big, huge family things where there are so many beautiful food. If you could just try this beautiful thing, it's so yummy, but actually at that moment, yummy.You could hand them lollies and chocolate, and it's not yummy. At that moment, they're anxious. What they need is cold water or a peanut butter sandwich. They just need comfort.And maybe it's something they can try later. You could maybe see if you could bring some later. Oh, now's not the right time. But can I bring some later? For them to try can be a good way to do it.

Yeah, it's one of those funny things, isn't it, where actually, if you reduce the stress and take away the pressure, they're probably more likely to try that later.So if you save some of that cake or that special dish and you give it a go a week later, maybe next time that Christmas rolls around, they'll be desperate for it.But if you've stood there all day at Christmas saying, you have to try this, you have to try this, that's just gonna create this block that gets bigger and big. They're more likely to miss out.

Yeah, I think that's exactly right. And all of this depends on the child.Of course, there'll be parents listening who know that their children actually would really enjoy the experience of trying food. And so for them, that might be a different thing.Or there'll be kids who are older and actually able to do a little bit more, not just look at the food, but actually have some bites of grandma's, you know, pudding that she's made. And so we all need to work this out with our children.But I think we start From a place not of the right thing to do is to eat everything, but the right thing to do is to understand how our unique children will feel in that moment of huge crowds and noise and lights and different things when faced with a table of food. And then work out from there what we do as loving parents before us, as guests in a home. We're loving parents first.

Yes. Yeah. Yeah.We've talked about a lot of things where you want to help your children feel safe to say no to things that might be traditional, but at the same time, as a family, you do want to create your own traditions, don't you? Because traditions help. They help bind your family together, but they also help us point towards Jesus.And those are the sort of things that we can build and develop as a family that may be different to what we did when we were growing up. They may be the same, but they can become our thing as our new family. And not everyone's going to like every aspect of that tradition.That's where we have to learn to love one another, because we want that to be a tradition always in our family, don't we?

That's right. Exactly. That is the most important, isn't it?A really nice tradition for families is the tradition of opening up a little Advent thing each day in December. There are ones you can buy that have chocolate or something like that.But as Christians, it's such a beautiful thing to have an Advent calendar that allows us to every day, think through what Christmas is about. We've got little tiny things in our house that we've had for about the last 10 or 15 years, I'm not sure, a long time.And, Dave, your wife Janice has made a series of Advent devotions for exactly this purpose for families who want this tradition that they do every year that allows us to be injecting Jesus into every single day.

Yeah, totally. So our oldest son, I think, was three and a half, nearly four, and our youngest son was one year old, and she was pregnant with our daughter.And my wife sat down and said, I want a tradition that we can have for our family where we think about the big Bible picture of why Jesus came. And so she sat down and wrote this fantastic Advent calendar. And it involves building the calendar.And we used it for 18 years in a row, and we just took it on holidays with us as well, and things like that. And every year I thought, oh, we should get that published. We should get that published, because she did such a good job. And finally we did.But sort of, when our kids are now at the point where they're kind of thinking about leaving home. So it's a little bit different. But it's so good to be able to give it as a resource for other people.You can buy it fairly cheaply online, just download it, and then you build your own calendar with it.But what I love about it is each year we didn't just say, yes, Jesus arrived at the first Christmas, but we said, okay, what was God doing from Genesis through to revelation? Why does Christmas fit within that? And why is it so joyful within that?And our kids looked forward to that every year, even as they got into teenagehood, because it was just what we did as a family, and it has been a great blessing for us.

That's wonderful. Let's put a link for that in our show notes. Or you can head to faithfulgod.net and it'll take you through to where you can download that.So you can be anywhere in the world. Yeah. Isn't it lovely that we can be working out things that will work for our family traditions? That will work.Of course, kids change over time, so some things that worked last year won't work this year, and some things that didn't work last year, we might be able to start incorporating this year. So it's always a conversation. It's an opportunity for the family to be sitting around and saying things like, oh, I find that a bit bright.Oh, boy, I really love that. And an opportunity for kids to hear our hearts, too. Like, it's all a balance. I want my children to know what's important to me, too.I'm not just needing to adapt everything for them. So I have a Christmas album. I don't know if you know Peter Coombe.People from overseas won't know Peter Coombe, but he sang a Christmas album, and I listened to it all the time when I was a kid. At Christmas time, my kids don't like it. It's kind of, you know, music from long ago.They don't like it, but they know that every year Mum wants to listen to this, so I'll listen to it, you know, a time or two throughout the season. They've got to put up with that, but they also like putting up with that because they know that it gives me such joy.And so I'm not constantly putting everything aside. It's this, can you serve me while I enjoy this? Allow me to serve you while you enjoy that. I'll serve you in taking this away.You serve me in taking that away and working out together. What adaptations we make.

Yeah, because we're always wanting to move them towards being loving people. And adaptations are not about just making life all about them.It's about giving them space so that they can think about being godly, Christlike people.

Yeah, that's right. Exactly. Well, what an exciting time of year. And you know, this is the end of our first season. We've decided to create seasons with this podcast.So surprise. This is the end of season one. This is episode 10, so it seemed like a good space to pause.So we're going to have a few weeks off and then we'll be back in your ears again. So keep an eye on socials for when we're back. Subscribe on your listening app so that you can see when we're back.We'll be back on the 7th of January, the first Wednesday of January, so keep an eye out for us there.

Yeah, look, we've got lots of good and big things planned for season two. We're going to have some exciting guests who are professionals in their area that they want to help us work through some really important things.We're going to have some more tools and resources for helping us get through day to day.And we're also going to be asking some tricky questions, looking at some tricky topics, some that we're just coming up with, but also some that have been sent into us by listeners who they say they've given us some really good ideas. They say, well, I really want you to talk about this, so I'm looking forward to that.And if you have things that you really want us to talk about, please get in contact.Go to the contact page on faithfulgod.net in the neurodivergence area and tell us what you would like us to talk about because we want to keep serving you.

And as a Christmas gift to us, would you please go onto your listening app or Spotify or Apple and rate and review us, please. It really helps people find us and it's really, really encouraging to us. So please do that now.And would you also consider giving us a donation to help us run? We haven't covered our costs for season one. We'd love to be able to cover costs and we'd love you to be able to be partnering with us in that.So please head to our GoFundMe page. You can find that in the show notes or on faithfulgod.net Fantastic.

But for now, Merry Christmas and we'll talk again in the new year.

Merry Christmas.