2. The Energy Bank: Empowering Families with Energy Insights

Hi, I'm Kate Morris.

And I'm Dave Whittingham. In today's episode, we'll be talking about the energy bank.What gives our children energy, what takes it away, and how we can manage those different things.

Welcome to our second episode of Neurodivergence, Family and Faith. We're really excited for this episode because today we're going to be looking at energy.And I'm sure if you're a parent of neurodivergent children, you have seen that energy in and energy out is a really important thing to take notice of in your children.And so we're going to be looking at a way of measuring energy, how, how it comes in, how it goes out in order to be supporting our children in a way that works for them. And I'm excited about this because we're going to be looking at a theory or a method that my family uses. We found it really helpful.And Dave, it's called spoon theory. I think this is new to you though, isn't it?

The only time I've ever heard of spoon theory is from you. And. Yeah. So, g' day, everyone. Great to be here. And spoon theory, I mean, I'm a typical bloke.I just thought of, you know, spooning is a wonderful thing to do in marriage. But I asked my teenage daughter said, you know, what do you think about spoon theory?And she thought that it must be about how autistic people need just the right spoon, because if the weight feels wrong or the shape feels wrong, then then it's just the wrong spoon and you need the right spoon. So I assume that's not what we're.

Talking about, but I love that insight. That's really helpful. In fact, it's a metaphor.And so the idea is we all have a draw, and that's kind of your energy bank, or the amount of energy you have in that drawer. You have a number of spoons, and these spoons will represent the energy that you can experience expend in a day.So everyone starts with a different number of spoons, kind of depending on who you are and where you're at in life. It depends what's happened the day before. It often can depend on what's happened over that week.Or we see our children with less energy at the end of term time. So come the end of term time, they'll have fewer spoons in their drawer.And so we talk about energy as spoons in order to kind of represent energy so that we can talk about what puts spoons in our drawer. But also what takes spoons out of our drawer. So I'm not sure why spoons, really. What do you reckon?

I like it, in a sense, because it's a really physical thing that you could get your hand at and you can demonstrate with spoons to your kids. But any metaphor works, like, you know, filling up the tank.You know, some people have different size petrol tanks and some are gas guzzlers and some are really energy efficient. You can choose your own. But that idea of how much energy you start the day with is actually different for everyone.It's not like we all wake up in the same way. And also what you have to spend to have breakfast and get to work is different to what I have to spend in the morning to get to work.And we need to understand ourselves, we need to understand our children and help them to understand themselves in that.

Yeah, that's exactly right. And it's really interesting.Research is actually coming to understand more and more just how much neurodivergent people expend energy at a different rate to neurotypicals, speaking, of course, in stereotypes or groups.Here it'll be different for every individual person, but it's really interesting to see that the same task, you can have two children doing the same task and yet for one child, it can be a task that replenishes energy, and for another child, it can be a task that does them in. It's the end of their energy. They have no spoons left after that task.And so I think it's a really helpful system to be able to think through with our children what costs energy and what gives energy.It's a way of getting alongside them and collaborating with them, acknowledging that they have different energy ins and energy outs, different expenditure of spoons so that we can get alongside them in that.And so I think one, one reason why this can be so helpful is because when children hit that rock bottom, sometimes it feels like it comes out of the blue, doesn't it? It can feel like, why are you falling apart now? Why don't you have energy now?And so this will help us think, well, what's just happened, not just in that minute beforehand, but what's happened over the day and what's happened over the week. Where did you begin your day at the beginning of the day?

Yeah, that's really helpful because we used to have a thing for one of our children that it was like a big red button and they could put that up on the fridge to show that's it, they're gone, they're not going to be able to relate at this point. They're not going to be able to deal with whatever issue we want to deal with because it's over.And that was helpful in the moment of saying, yeah, okay, we, we just need to put things on hold for a while. But I love that what this is talking about is saying, okay, what are all the steps before that?How can we manage the lead up to that so that we don't have to get to that point of nah, can't deal with anything or yeah, get through what we need to so that we can stop at an appropriate time.

Yeah, I think that's right. So that before that big red button goes up they can say, dad, I need you to know I've got one spoon left.And so it might be that you don't ask them to put the shoes away to help you empty the dishwasher and have a shower.It might be that at that moment you say, well, the shower will be enough and then we're going to need to be replenishing those spoons or else that big red button's going to appear. But I love that button.I love that that is something visual you've given them kind of advocacy agency being able to say, when I do this, I know I'm going to be understood and I don't even need to string words and sentences together. I don't have to explain the emotional state. I mean, you will understand and get on side with me.I think that's the team kind of spirit that we need in families, isn't it? To be able to think it through.

Yeah.

And yet spoon theory will help you before that, which is really helpful.

Yeah.

That exhaustion that kids can hit, that big red button moment. As I was interviewing people, I'd interview adults and children and a lot of them spoke about exhaustion. It's a really big theme.It's something that a lot of neurodivergent people will experience. I just wanna share a couple of quotes with you, Dave, because I think it's really great. Yeah, it's really cool to hear this insight.So an 11 year old girl, she's autistic, she tells me I should say. I asked her what does exhaustion feel like? And she said it feels like everything just gets heavy. I feel like everything is too much all of a sudden.Sometimes I can't eat. It feels like I'm really sick. That's a lot, isn't it? To feel all of that's huge.

That's huge.

Yeah. And that's not kind of the lazy feeling, is it?

No, but it can be confused for laziness, can't it? And that's part of the pressure that can be put on neurodivergent people.That behavior can be seen and labeled in a particular way that's really harsh and really statement of negativity. Whereas there's actually something else going on that needs to be understood that has just got to do with the way that they're wired.And when we can understand that, we can say, hey, this isn't. You're not being evil in this. This is just who you are. And we want to understand that. But. But it's a. It's a big thing.You know, saying you can't eat it or that you feel really sick. That's. That's a huge reaction.

It is. It's physical, isn't it?

And it's.

This has ever happened to you, Dave, but that moment where you say to your kids, you know, go and. Go and empty your lunchbox or something, I can't. I have no energy. And you look away and you look back and they're running in circles.Well, I thought you said you have no energy, but the spoon theory really helps. Well, they don't have energy because doing the lunchbox, that's going to take a spoon. Running in circles, that's actually going to give a spoon.And so really great, because they, you know, run in circles. Excellent.We'll be looking at regulation in a later podcast, but to be thinking through when we get there how we can be actually giving these spoons so that we can say, yes, run in circles, have something cold to drink, blow some bubbles. There are different things that we can do to regulate. Good. Now we've replenished your tank, you've got a spoon or two.Now can we think about doing the lunchbox and working out how to balance these things a little bit?

Yeah, that's super helpful.Like, for me personally, if there's a particular task and I'm feeling low on energy just because of the nature of that particular task, it can feel like I'm walking into a pool of mud.And the mud is getting thicker and thicker as I go in to the point where I can't move just because there's something about that activity and the way I'm feeling at the time. So the way you've just described it, there is so helpful to say, okay, so I do need to have things that are going to replenish me.And that's actually a positive, not just for me, but also for that particular task. Maybe after that, then I will be able to achieve that task. I don't have to say, oh, I'll never be able to do that.There actually there is a way forward. It just doesn't have to be right now in this moment.

Oh, I think that's right. Yeah.This is a really visual way to help our children remember that energy can come in and I think if someone's feeling like that little 11 year old girl, completely flat and sick, it can feel like, and now for the rest of the day, I'm just going to be scraping the bottom of that drawer with nothing even in there. It's going to hurt, it's going to be the worst and I'm going to wake up feeling awful.But to get in this habit of going, okay, when I'm at this point, it doesn't mean lying flat on the floor. Well, it can mean that for a time, but it actually is a. It's an indicator that we need to reach for those things that do replenish.So it can be as small as a cube of ice in the mouth to suck on. It can be as small as something soft to stroke. We have a dog who's actually on my lap right now and she's wonderful.And just stroking that dog can be spoons in.And so working that out, what to do in that moment rather than just throwing up your hands and saying, well then it's all just the worst and no one can do anything about this. It can be, it can help with a way forward.

Yeah. And I love that our first guest on the podcast is your dog. So welcome and friend of the show. Lovely to have you with us.

Make some appearances. Her name is Possum, named by the children.

Fantastic.

I'll share another quote with you, Dave, a Christian man with adhd. I asked him as well, what does exhaustion feel like for him and he said, I feel irritable, like I have a shorter fuse that I'm normally capable of.I can't think clearly and I can't see things objectively.

Yeah, My brain wants to go, my child is being disobedient to me. My child is being rude. I can put a godliness spin on it. They're being really ungodly.I've got to put my grace filter on and say something is going on for them that has led them to be like this. How am I going to show them love and grace in this moment? Because clearly they're short of spoons or whatever it is that's led them to this point.So I'm going to love and care for them through that and help them get to the other side.

No, that's lovely. Yeah, I think that's right. I think that's a really loving way to approach it. It takes a lot more energy, doesn't it, to approach this? It really does.But at the same time, it's. Isn't it wonderful to be able to do this with children? We're not just standing there in opposition to how they're feeling.Instead, we're able to get on board with them and work with them. Not kind of constantly dragging them through life, but working with them. It's collaborative. It's. I think it's a really nice model.

Yeah. Yeah. It's putting my agenda.It's not throwing it out the window, but it is putting it to one side in a loving way to say what needs to happen in this moment. And if we need to get to a particular goal, what are the extra steps we're gonna have to take to get to that goal?

Yeah, I think that's right.

Okay, so we've talked about the theory. We've talked about how we spend energy in different ways and at different levels. Just practically. Can you give us an idea?What are some things that can take energy away for our kids? Take away those spoons. What can we spend them on? And then we'll come on to, okay, what can put them back? How do we get that back?

Yeah. Yes. And I think the answer to that is so broad, we need to have a podcast episode on both of those things.So that'll be really good things to dive into. But just briefly, some of the things that can take energy away can be things in the sensory environment.So lights, sounds, taste, touch, smell, things that are going on inside of the body can be taking those spoons away, draining them. The social environment as well. Whether there'll be things like needing to have conversations or work in groups or play with children.It could be for, you know, older children at their work trying to work out dynamics between colleagues. It can also be crowds can be overwhelming and exhausting and distressing for people.Also, attention can be something that's quite draining for some people. Their brain will be able to think of a lot of things at once, which in itself can be exhausting.But you add to it the demand to focus on just what the teacher's saying or focus on just this work or focus on a conversation that you're having. That can be enormously draining for people.

Yeah, it can be really specific, can't it? So Someone hyper focusing on something could be. Is just wonderful for them.And for exactly the same topic for another neurodivergent person, it can completely drain them. Completely take away. And so it's. It's varied and different, isn't it? There are no rules around it.

No. Ah, yeah, that's exactly right. So it's.It's very much as parents, we need to help our children get to know themselves and we need to be getting to know them too. We can't just say, oh, this is what is difficult for a person. It's actually really. I mean, we're unique people. Isn't that wonderful?We looked at that last week in that episode, thinking through how God has designed each of us and knit us together. He hasn't pumped us out to look exactly like each other. Yeah. So each of these things can be quite exhausting.But then also the replenishment can look different.So some children love noise and sirens and sitting there playing with a toy with loud sirens, or just fill them up and that is a draining activity for someone else. Really tricky when you've got children who have strong and opposing needs as well.But for filling up, it can be things like being on a sensory swing and spinning or rocking. It can be lying down on something really soft, it can be eating something, sucking on something, blowing out bubbles.These things that use different aspects of the body in order to relax. And it's generally good to find a couple of different things.So not just giving iced water, but actually giving iced water and suggesting rocking on a balance board or giving frozen watermelon and spinning on the sensory swing and so working out. What are some of these things that we can put in place even automatically?For my family, it's when we walk in the door, we do frozen watermelon or frozen water and we do something with the body. So balance boards or jogging around or going out onto the trampoline.Just as a habit, we walk in, we take off our shoes, we've got to get this next thing done. Because it just is a way of acknowledging you've had a day where you've spent spoons and I want to help you replenish those spoons.You feel like just stopping and sitting on the couch, but actually when you do sit on the couch, you're going to enjoy it more if you are not scraping the bottom of that drawer.If you've got enough energy to enjoy yourself, because that's, that's one of these aspects of life for a lot of neurodivergent people, you might look at them and think they're being lazy. They're just sitting there. But in actual fact they're so exhausted that they're not even replenishing themselves.They're not able to do the thing that is their special interest. They're not able to hyperfocus on that thing they love because they don't have the energy to start or to enjoy it.And so isn't that a horrible thing to be in?

I guess what you're focusing on here is if you've run out of spoons or if you're running low on energy, then the feeling might be to just stop. But the stop doesn't necessarily replenish, does it?And so, so I, I could come and watch TV for four hours and I get up and I haven't had to do anything more. So I haven't spent any more spoons in doing that. But I haven't recovered either. I haven't got any further.And so that's really helpful to think about what's going to value add to the rest rather than just stopping.

I think that's really, that's a very helpful reflection. And Dave, when you said before that that sense of kind of wading into this pool of mud, I think that's a really helpful image.And at that moment, yeah, something like just collapsing on the couch or watching TV or whatever it might be, yeah, it's a pause there, but you're also not exiting out of that mud. And you know, sometime we just need that pause because this trajectory of going deeper and deeper into the mud is so difficult and exhausting.And so, yeah, like I acknowledge sometimes you, you've just got to allow your child just to stop and sit in that moment of pause. That's okay. But we have to realize you can't live in that space of pause.Or else eventually it's bedtime, you head to bed and you'll replenish some spoons by sleep, but you're not going to mentally replenish. And so you'll actually wake up with fewer spoons the next day. But you've got the same demands of school or whatever the day might hold.And so you're actually in the end making life get harder and harder. And as parents, it's so important that we're loving our children in a way that works for them.And research is quite clear that just letting someone exist in this cycle of complete energy depletion can have enormous short and long term effects, impacts on mental health. And we don't want that. And not saying that we can absolutely stop that trajectory or anything like that.That can still happen, as much effort as we put in.But we have this joy, I think, of getting alongside our children and observing and reflecting with them, empowering them to say, you know, iced water is going to really help me. Or I just need a moment on the balance board before I put the cutlery on the table or whatever it might be. Yeah.Hiring them to have that conversation and for us to slow down enough to say, well, I wanted you to have a shower right now, but I'm going to pause so that when you do shower, it's. It's more doable for you.

Yeah. If we don't do this, we can. We can expect so much of our children, almost to the point that they're almost godlike in our.Not necessarily in our imaginations, but certainly in the requests we're making for them. So one of the things about God and difference between him and us is that we sleep and he doesn't. He's always. Even though he rests, he's never tired.He's always on the job, so to speak. And we're just not able to do that. And that's actually a good thing. God's made us like that. It shows us that we're not God.But we've got to remember that for our children as well. It's like, hang on a second. I can't expect so much for my children that I've got to understand them and know what can they do and what can't they do.And I've got to work with that rather than just bully it out of them or anything like that.

I think that's exactly right. And it makes me think of, in the Bible, 2 Corinthians 12, 9, 10.So Paul is writing, writing to the Corinthians, and he's saying that he's noticed something that is a weakness in his life, and he asks God to take it away. And then he writes of God, but he said to me, my grace is sufficient for you. My power is perfected in weakness.Therefore I will most gladly boast all the more about my weakness so that Christ's power may reside in me. So I take pleasure in my weakness, insults, hardships, persecutions and difficulties for the sake of Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong.Yeah. So when we see in our children that they can't do everything, or as a mum, when I see in myself I can't do everything, I absolutely can't.

What can't you do? Everything, Kate.

I try Dave, I really do try, to my detriment, though. But this is like what you're saying, isn't it, that actually we're created, we're not God and we're supposed to depend on him.And as we do, that shows his strength.

Yeah. I mean, last week in the episode, we talked a lot about how we want to flip the categories of the world on their head. And the Bible keeps doing that.And in that passage that you're reading out, Paul's celebrating his weakness because it highlights God's strength. That's. That's a wonderful thing. So we, we shouldn't see weakness in ourselves or weakness in our children as a, a problem that is disastrous.There are what things that we do need to work through. But also it's a great time to say, how good is it that God's got us, even though we're low on energy? He's not low on energy and we can rest in Him.That's a great blessing.

It absolutely is. I think that's also a really good place to end for today. I encourage you to go away. Oh, did you want to say something to me?

Sorry, no, I was going to say exactly that. What do you think?

All I've said now is I encourage you to go away.

Sorry, I'll cut you off right there. Go away, everyone. No, just in going away, what do you think is the practical take home just in this moment?Because we're going to be talking a lot more about what this can look like, aren't we? But what should we be thinking about just as a initial thing from this?

Yes, well, go away and have a think with your children. Everyone has different capacities. This might be something we have a chat with our child about.It might be something that you observe your child in in order to be thinking, where is energy going and where is energy coming as these things go? And we do have things in our life that cost us spoons. That's not terrible. We just have to be able to work that out.And what things can we put in place to actively replenish spoons? And next week we're going to be thinking through sensory processing differences.And this is a place where spoons will often just absolutely fly out of that drawer.And so working out how to mitigate these, how to identify them as well, can be a really important step in working out how to balance the spoons in and out system.

Yeah. So we really want to be curious, don't we? Curious about each individual child and even about ourselves. But asking those questions.Oh, that, that seemed to really help you that. Oh, that seemed to be really hard for you. Why do you think that is? Yeah, well, thank you so much, Kate, for walking us through that.That's super helpful. We didn't even talk about different size and shapes of spoons, but maybe that's for another episode.

We could start an antique spoon show that might be separate, though, and talk through all the spoons that exist.

Yeah, except some of them will be really stressful, so we'll leave them out. But, everyone, thank you so much for coming back and listening to the episode. Hope you found it really helpful.Hey, if you know other out there who have neurodivergent kids who are wanting to think more about this, who are struggling, or just want to hear from some people, then make sure you tell them about the podcast. Let them know, Share it on social media, because we would love more people to hear about these things.But for the moment, keep trusting Jesus and bye for now.

Bye. Well, welcome to episode two of our podcast. Oh, my goodness, it's happening again. Sorry, I got confused because.

Get the name of the podcast.

Well, my brain was going, don't say parenting. Don't say parenting. Which means that I said nothing. Okay, sorry.