8. Navigating Overwhelming Environments: Tips for Families

Today we're looking at the question of what do you do when you're in an environment that is overwhelming? That's really tricky and it can't be adjusted. How do you help your child face this environment and still be able to enjoy being in that environment?What can you give them to? What can you do? And what things can they be doing to take control of their experience? Hi, I'm Kate Morris.

And I'm Dave Whittingham. Welcome along to Neurodivergence, Family and Faith.Today we're going to be looking at what we can do and what our children can do to help them work through difficult environments.

Yeah, this is so important and hopefully this is a natural question after our previous episode when we were looking at what churches can do to support families with neurodivergent members to make church easier. And so today we're going to be looking at what the family can be doing, what the child can be doing.But I wonder if you've got a question that a mother wrote to me after I'd written a similar article. She wrote to me with this question.She said, my daughter brings therapy putty to church and is given an order of service and can choose to sit at the back row. But in the future, she may not be able to do these things in a church she's visiting or a university lecture.Do I do her a disservice by providing these things and not teaching her coping strategies?So it's a really important question to be thinking, if we want to be helping our children to face these environments, do we put things in their hands that will help them? And, you know, the short answer that I said to this lady is that she is teaching her daughter coping strategies.She is actually the putty gives her a regulation, a way to regulate through the difficulties. She has a church outline for that predictability. She's able to choose where she sits. So she's got some choice, some control, some agency.This mother is doing, I think, a great job at helping her child interact with this environment that's so hard for her.And this is something that that child will be able to take into these other churches she might go to, into that university lecture when she gets older. We're actually putting something in our children's hands that say you're facing something difficult. That doesn't mean you have to sit out.Perhaps it means that, first of all, you can try to work out how to make this environment less difficult. And this is actually what we've been talking about right from the start. We we keep saying that we want to work out how to eliminate triggers.And so that those are those episodes we talked about with how churches can help with that. But when there are still triggers, when things are still difficult, that's when we pull out things that can mitigate the triggers.Things like that outline that this mother talks about and to be able to regulate through that challenging time, like things like that therapy, putty. And so today is all about that, mitigating and regulating and putting these things in our children's hands to be able to do that.And we're also gonna be looking at things that we're not putting in their hands, but things they've already got in their body, in their hands, in their mouth that can mean that they can mitigate and regulate even when there isn't a tool around.

Fantastic. I'm looking forward to that.I think what you've said for that mum is so helpful, Kate, because all of parenting really is about preparing our children for life, isn't it? So we're preparing them, we're growing them into being adults and, and we're going to use tools along the way to do that.And there are some things in life that you completely outgrow and you'll never have to use again. But actually neurodivergence is not one of those things. It's actually, it's going to be within all of life.And so we've got to be, we're going to be talking today about drawing our children into the discussion and actually training them to think through what are the sort of sensory things that are going to help me through these situations. And so it's both giving them the tools to do it, but also empowering them with those thought tools, I guess to say, what do I need?What do I need to think about as I head into different environments? And the way they do that might change as they get older.A teenager probably doesn't want to hold in class the same sort of toy they might have held as a five year old just because of the social constraints there. But that doesn't mean they need nothing. But it's.But we're empowering them to ask the questions of what they do need and we are preparing them for life by giving them those things.

Yeah, that's exactly right. It's such a great topic, isn't it, to be talking through. And research has been really helpful in actually showing that this is increasing capacity.It's helping with agency. And as always, I'll have the citations in the show notes if you'd like to go through and have a look at those studies.Dr. Katie Unwin was with us in episode six, and she had a really helpful insight in what her study has shown around this. She talks about management as being control, control of that environment. And she told us some helpful things about how important that is.Let's have a listen to a little sound bite from that episode. Now.

Here'S what I would probably suggest based on this research, giving the person who might need that sense of control, the agency to know that they can control some things about their environment. And so what that might mean is saying to your child, if you need to leave the church, you can go to this room. I will come with you.So when they're sitting there in the service and they can't control the lights and they can't control the music, and they're finding that they're starting to feel overwhelmed, they can go. I can control whether I stay or go.Right now, you can also control your environment through putting on your sunglasses, putting on your headphones, et cetera, et cetera.

That sense of control that Katie talks about is so important. Having agency to make a difference to how you're experiencing the world.

We're going to be looking at things that our children can bring along to help them in different environments as we develop these sort of sensory toolkits, the sort of toolkits that they can have as they go along.As I said before, we want to be doing it very much in collaboration with our children, because that's the way they learn and get prepared for in the future, helping them to think through what is helpful and what is not. We're reminding them when they feel discomfort, they can identify the source. Okay, what's causing this discomfort in me?How can they address the problem? And how can they find effective ways to regulate that?Those are the sort of questions that we don't want to just be asking in our own heads for our kids, but bringing our kids along with us to do that, that's such an important life skill. And so many adults never learn that, do they, Kate?So when life feels hard, they end up scrolling or binge watching or snacking or eating lots of snacks. We want to teach our kids healthy ways to find ways through those situations.How to notice what's causing the problem, how to name it, how to respond to how they're feeling.

Yeah, absolutely. And, you know, we use this for all of our children, not just for our children who are neurodivergent, because those are the lessons.I actually want all my children to learn. These are things that are important for me as an adult to learn as well.And so to do this, to be making these kits, we're going to hear from a couple of people who are neurodivergent themselves to tell us about their experiences. Neurodivergent people. And it might help us to. To have some questions to ask our children to be working with them.So, first of all, we're going to hear from Joel Maroney. He has a sensory kit, and here's what he says about that.

I've had issues with sensory processing all my life, but it wasn't until I was diagnosed with autism and ADHD in my 40s that I realized that it was something that was having a significant impact on me, but it was also something I could address.I have problems with strong light, especially the sun, so I always make sure I leave the house wearing sunglasses and have several pairs in my car bag just in case. I wear noise cancelling headphones in public or loop earplugs to dull the sound. I often bring with me things like coloring in or fidgets. If I find.If I have something to do with my hands, I can put the phone focus on my hands and try and push out some of the other sensory experiences. If all else fails, bit of meditation.

So that's a lot that Joel can use to help mitigate difficult situations and to help himself regulate through those situations. So I wonder what your child will need. I wonder what they will say when you collaborate with them to make the kit with them.Everyone is different, so everyone's going to have different things in their kit.But what we're going to do is think through aspects of the environment and just give a few ideas of things that will mitigate and things that will regulate. And you might come up with a completely different list of things. But let's have a look at the environment together.

Okay, well, let's get into it. So for sound, Joel talked about earplugs and headphones. Another person spoke about these things as well. Laura Hurley.She's a neurodivergent woman, and here's what she has to say.

When there is a lot of sensory information all coming in at once, especially when there's a lot of complex sounds. I love using my noise cancelling headphones, and I don't mean things like loop earplugs, although they're still good.What I love about things like my AirPod Pros is they have an active noise cancellation feature, so it cancels out the sound rather than just blocking it. And I use my AirPods all the time.With the active noise cancellation turned on often, I don't even have any music or any podcasts or anything playing in my ears. I just put the AirPods in and turn on noise cancellation. And it is amazing.

So it's not just about blocking sound. We can actually create sound that is in our control. We set the agenda.So it could be holding a ticking watch near the earth, something that won't distract others but is right there, easy for you. It can be listening to your own music in the shops or our children listening to their own music where they've set the playlist.

Absolutely. And, you know, on earplugs and earmuffs. I'm going to put some notes in the show notes there.If you're trying to choose some of these for your children, let me guide you. I've got a few thoughts on that in the show notes. But, you know, another aspect is touch.It can be so important and it can be really helpful for regulation. So let's go back to Laura Hurley again for a moment.

I think when it comes to finding tools to help an individual regulate themselves in a high sensory environment, it depends a lot on the individual and what they find comforting and calming and what they find safe. So for one of my children, he really enjoys being able to hold onto a very small object or toy.It's usually a Lego minifig, just a really, really small object that he can keep in his hand and fidget with and play with and feel a lot of comfort and security in.

Yeah, that's lovely, isn't it? Helping her son to feel that comfort and that calm, even when an environment is stressful.And there can be other things that can help as well, so things like a toy, something soft, something furry, something squeezy. Pressure rings are really helpful. If that's new to you, look them up. They're spiky, they're a little bit sharp, but they won't cause harm.And these are particularly good if you have someone who has a harmful behaviour where perhaps they draw blood on themselves or something like that that you'd like to distract them from. Look up pressure rings and have a think about if that might be a helpful touch for your child as well.

For sight, when we want to mitigate things that are going to cause problems there. Joel said he uses sunglasses to help him dim the lights. That can be really helpful.Other people might wear a hat so that the brim can shield their eyes, and that can be both outside and inside as well. It can Be really helpful. There's also. That's for mitigating but also for regulating. There are different things that you can do.So having a soothing photo of a pet, the sort of photo that your child just goes, ha. Yeah. Every time they see it, can be really helpful. Or even one of those paint cards when.When you go into the paint shop and it's got that whole wall of cards.My wife always used to enjoy taking the kids in there and they got to choose three different colors that they like and they'd just take them around with them. So I don't know if that's why those samples. They're trying to help neurodivergent kids, but it's a really helpful thing.And they're there and free and there are so many colors there. Then the kids can just choose what's perfect for them. Or maybe if a light is soothing for them.For some kids, that's going to be a flashing light or a small light. You can buy toys with small flashing lights that can help them to calm down. Just something for them to focus their sight onto. Hmm.

Yeah, absolutely. And you know, what about smell as well? So this could be smell of dinner cooking, and you've got to be cooking the dinner.Or for kids, if they're cleaning, classroom is near the canteen or the food hall, perhaps they can smell wafts or teachers and perfume as well. I see that that's a big struggle for a lot of kids. What can they do?

That's why I never wear perfume as a teacher.

I'm glad to hear it, Dave. Although maybe a floral scent would match you. I'm not sure. We have a dog named Possum and she's been mentioned in other episodes too.So she's a bit of a regular on this. But I'm sad to say that she does sometimes have a bit of a farting problem and she tends to pull them out when we're in the car.So knowing what to do about a bad smell is really helpful. You can use a water bottle to engage those taste buds, which can actually dull the sense of smell. Even if it's water.Nothing stronger that you're drinking that. That sucking motion, that swallowing can dull the sense of smell momentarily.Scented wristbands or scented lip gloss are things that kids might be able to carry around as well and be able to kind of put that other scent in their nose. Chewing gum or mints, of course. Probably not in class, but that can create a different taste and a different smell to block out these other things.And also that chewing motion with the mint is something that can be really helpful too, because chewing, doing things with your mouth can be very regulating and relaxing. And we could go through all sorts of senses. But you can use this as a model to go through senses for your children.And as you do, there are some other aspects of the environment that you can be thinking about. So you might want to have a timer on a watch for your child. And this can help with them knowing that activities will end soon.They can set that to see that They've only got 40 minutes left of their English class if they're in high school.Or they can use timers in order to go off a few times in the day to remind themselves to go to the bathroom if there's someone who doesn't notice that their body needs to go, to make sure that they never hit that point of desperation. Or. Or timers for remembering to drink water or to eat food.Sometimes children get quite distracted when it's a break time at school, and so timers can be really helpful. And watches with the second hand.So, Dave, you've already mentioned using that as a way to distract with sound, but also being able to look at that second hand can give them something to rhythmically count if things are overwhelming.In order to regulate their breathing and in order to have that sense of control as the seconds tick by and they're watching that hand move, it can be quite calming as well.

Okay, Kate, so there's lots of things that we can put in the toolkit to help our kids be prepared for those different situations. But what about if we don't have those kits? What do we do then?

That's so important, because there are a lot of times in life when we don't have those toolkits. And I like to remind my kids that when they don't have those toolkits, they do have an invisible toolkit. We all do. It's built in.And these can be used wherever you are, in the dentist chair, at the shops, you can be using it at school, in assembly. These can be used anywhere. And so it's really great to practise these at home, remind our kids about them, practice them in the car.If your dog farts, practice them in real life with your kids. So again, you can think through different aspects of the sensory environment.But some things that can be really helpful are things like tapping gently on the forehead if you do that. I bet everyone who's listening is doing that right now. Do you hear that sound?It's actually quite loud on the Inside, but it's not loud on the outside, hopefully. And that can drown out other sounds that are coming in. It can create a rhythm that they are in control of.When there's chaos out there, they're creating something they're in control of.Or rubbing two fingers together right near the ear, or mentally repeating a phrase or a part of a song in order to create that thing that they're in control of. That's a sound that they can drown out other sounds with, or drown out chaos with. They can create pressure as well.And pressure is so important for regulating and for drowning out other sensations as well. And so squeezing the other hand, squeezing a finger, creating a fist and gently releasing.These are aspects that will actually calm your body down as you're doing it. Something to concentrate on. And again, something in their control.Also gently pressing the tongue against the roof of the mouth, or gently chewing even though there's nothing in your mouth. That the things that we can do with our mouths like that, or sucking on the roof of your mouth, sucking on your tongue.These things are very calming, very regulating, and will help the body to relax. You can clench the jaw and release the jaw. You can do it rhythmically or even blink for a long time and then open the eyes.Things that the child is in control of. That's going to help drown out whatever's going on that is so hard at that time.

How wonderful that God has created our bodies in such a way that even in our bodies we have things that we can use to help us through those difficult situations. Of course, the most obvious invisible tool we have, even almost, I don't want to call it a tool, because God is invisible, he's not a tool.And yet we can speak to him at any time and at any stage. And it's so important to teach our children that when we're anxious, when we're worried, and when we're happy at all times.But to remind them that prayer is always our first step, that God can help us through these situations. Sometimes there are things that can be really helpful with the prayer, because as someone with adhd, I find prayer really difficult.Because just being able to concentrate on a longer prayer can be tough. And so giving a Bible verse to memorize. So you've got one Peter 5:7 says, cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.There's a beautiful little verse that tells them exactly what to do. In my mind, John 3:16 is just a really easy go to. If I'm worried or stressed, I can say that verse over and over again in my head.And it just reminds me, God cares for me, God loves me.And I might need to be doing things with my hands at the time, but that internal monologue that reminds me that I'm safe not because of anything outside, but because of who God is and I'm safe in his hands.

That is wonderful. And what a great opportunity to be teaching our children these things that we want them to internalize.And yeah, I mean, I want to internalize this too. This is exactly the right attitude to everything in life, isn't it? My, my teenager, she's made a really handy printout of the invisible toolkit.She's found it really helpful in her life and she's keen to give something to families that will help families as they talk about this.So please do go to our show notes and that'll take you through to where you can print out this little one page summary of this, go over it at dinner time, have it on the fridge, perhaps have a think about how you can incorporate these and make them kind of that knee jerk reaction when things feel too overwhelming. You've actually got something in your hands that means you can mitigate those difficulties and regulate through them as well.

So good. Well, we've covered a lot in this episode, a lot of detail, and I think there were really helpful things.But we want to help people remember to be curious and help our kids to be curious about what sort of things are helpful for them. We want to involve them in the conversation so that they can be prepared as they grow, as they head towards adulthood.They're prepared to ask these questions themselves and look for these solutions themselves. And we want to equip them with the sort of tools that are going to help with that. Now, Kate, you've actually written two wonderful articles on this.So if you feel like I want to go back, I want to do some more reading and I want to think more about all those different options. Then in our show notes, we've got links to two articles written by Kate on her substack. She has so much stuff on her substack.If you haven't checked that out yet, you absolutely should. We've got a link in the show notes all the time. Kate has written so many helpful things. But we'll put a link to those two articles particularly.You can also sign up to her substack@faithfulgod.net there's a link there to do that. Hey everyone, thank you so much for listening.If you are enjoying this, if you're enjoying the sort of things that we're providing, then it'd be really helpful if you could leave a review on whatever platform you're listening on. Leave a comment, Leave a review that just helps people find it. It helps the algorithm.And also if you're finding it helpful and you want to become a financial supporter to help us keep doing this, then head along to faithfulgod.net, click on the donate page, and become a partner with us there. But for now, Kate, thank you very much, and we'll speak again soon.

Thanks, Dave. See you then. Her farts are silent but deadly. You don't hear them. It's like a minute later you smell them, particularly in the car.It's like the kids will start going, no possum. Oh, possum.

Are you sure that it is possum? And it's not just your husband? And it's just easy to blame it on your. On your dog.

You've changed everything.

I'm telling you, that's what I'm doing.

No, Sam.